Virtual Sex League

Check out this sex machine!

Creative loafing ran this nifty article I just ran into:

COMPUTER LOVE: Introducing Real Touch

This summer don’t be surprised if there’s a sudden drop in the number of men seen out on the town — now that there’s a magical new device that combines the art of self-loving and video games. Charlotte-based AEBN, the world’s largest adult video-on-demand technology company, will soon unveil Real Touch, a “remote tactile stimulator” that’s destined to make the old-fashioned way of achieving self-gratification go the way of cassette tapes.

Officially unveiled this January at AVN’s Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas and — company reps say — available for purchase in June, Real Touch (which resembles some type of bizarre, streamlined cylindrical kitchen appliance) uses a combination of hardware and software to reproduce physical sensations that mimic sex acts. The user simply plugs in the device, connects it to his computer via USB cables, and then, um, introduces it to his own joystick. The bump and grind taking place on the screen sends electronic cues to Real Touch, which via a series of belt drives, lube reservoirs and heating elements, stimulate the user according to what’s happening in the movie. Think of it as an adults-only version of Nintendo Wii.

According to an AEBN spokesman, Real Touch was designed by a NASA engineer (apparently there’s a lot of masturbation going on in space) using “haptic” technologies (a fancy word for remote tactile stimulation). “There’s nothing else like it,” said brand manager Brett Drysdale. “It’s the only device that brings together the sensory stimulation of sight, sound and touch. It’s the ultimate hands-free technology.”

The Real Touch device (which some clever wits are calling “robopussy“) costs about $150, and is designed to work with AEBN’s library of specially encoded point-of-view videos. It takes about eight hours to program 20 minutes of footage, ensuring that every gesture, movement and act is perfectly synchronized. AEBN’s videos, which cost $1 per minute, feature a variety of porn stars (both gay and straight), including Amy Fisher. Yes, that Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita” convicted of the 1992 shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco — for those who enjoy the idea of sex with a convicted felon.

It’s the perfect solution for the dating-impaired on those nights when you’re horny and alone and your hand and a bottle of lube just won’t do the trick. Moreover, the nifty gadget is always in the mood, never complains when you toss your dirty underwear on the floor, and there’s none of that pesky snuggling or awkward goodbyes to worry about when you’re done. And think of all the money you’ll save! In fact there’s undoubtedly a pasty white mouth breather toiling away in his basement right now working on the next generation of high-tech sex toys that will also cook and clean. Who needs computer dating when you can actually date your computer?

This thing has been featured on Fleshbot too (with a video demo). They called RealTouch the future of sex (toys), and have a video of its editor watching a demonstration of the device at the AEE booth. She said:

“If we were going to be all technical about it, we’d tell you AEBN’s Real Touch is a cyberdildonics device, one that responds to input from porn movies, mimicking the star’s actions to make it feel like you—yes, you!—are actually receiving that blowjob from Sasha Grey. We’d also tell you that it’s one of the most remarkable male sex toys we’ve ever seen—even without the porno interfacing. But the truth is, once we put our fingers inside it’s robo canal, and felt the ribbed lining massage our fingers (and the opening clamp around them from time to time), there was really only one thing we could possibly think: Holy shit, they’ve finally made a robopussy.”

I can’t decide which I like better though; Warren Ellis’ hilarious comments or this bit on io9.

Ok so what I want to know is would YOU stick your dick in it? I have to say that I would ASAP if I had one.  It makes me so mad how men get all the cool stuff first! The V-Boy just isn’t going to be enough…

Check out the results of this study done in the UK: (from The Sun)

THE next time you want to bag the bonk of your life, you need a partner who knows a lot about your hardware. While computer nerds are obviously good at IT, what we didn’t realise is that they’re good at “it” too.

An anonymous study of 2,000 British men and women concluded that out of all jobs, computer geeks make the best lovers. They were found to be the most selfless in the sack, the most adventurous and more likely to use love gadgets.

Seventy-eight per cent of techies that were questioned also claimed that sex toys were part of their love life, and a further eight out of ten tech workers said that sex toys played an important part in their sexual relationships.

Eighty-two per cent of IT workers also claimed to consider their partners sexual needs above there own, the highest result from all of those asked.

And if you think a perfect bod means a perfect romp, think again.

Those participants who worked in the fitness industry were found to be least likely to use sex toys, with just three in ten using them regularly.

And they were also found to be the most selfish lovers too.

When asked whether they considered their partner’s needs above their own, only 41 per cent said yes, the lowest score of all.

But when it comes to stamina those hours on the treadmill definitely pay off.

When asked if they have sex more than three times a week, all that joystick jiggling had worn IT workers out.

They finished third to office workers and fitness experts.

This supports my theory. Told you! 

Check out The Sun for the numbers and whatnot.

“You know it used to be on YouTube, for like a year. And it got 27,000 hits in a couple of days…and somebody’s mom complained, you know- because they didn’t want their kid watching, you know, some robot stick his dick in a horse’s butt, you know.” -Artist Michael Sullivan

Described by the artist as “footage of every conceivable sperm transfer device that is performed by robot pornographers and their well lubricated machines,” The Sex Lives of Robots is still not done, and the artist, Michael Sullivan says it may be years before it is. You can read the full interview with him here.

He makes the robots for his stop-action movie from dolls- Barbies and G I Joes reinforced with bolts in their joints and made over to look robotic. Like a lot of sex, Michael says that the it started out to be a war movie, and just kind of became pornographic.

Perhaps because the movie is about robots, the artist has had the freedom to explore some of the darker and more disturbing elements of sexuality- babies crowd around orgies of adult robots, animals are willing participants, and it all is captured within the context of a sort of “birds and bees meets 1984″ environment. This familial and organic background exists symbolically as an invisible  backdrop for the  cold hard mecha of the film, creating a poignant and disturbing mood that is at once erotic and disquieting.

Michael Sullivan has a very simple- and  slightly creepy- understanding of what he is doing. He says- It’s like a very elaborate version of what kids do. Only they maybe don’t have the model-making skills yet to take it to a bizarre place. They’re thinking about it, cause dolls elicit all those thoughts.”

I think the fact that he’s right is what is most disquieting.

Ok this is old, and I know you’ve seen it before but what the hell. Watch it again.

Wife Divorcing Husband Over His Gay Dungeon Sex in Second Life

“The British man would, according to his wife, stay up late “having gay dungeon romps” as Troy Hammerthall. While in bed. Next to her. So enraged, she’s filing for divorce.”

“I was just messing about on there. I’m the world’s least gay man. There’s not a gay bone in my body,” he says.

Sure, buddy.

With all the Second Life drama that I have witnessed, you would think I would tire of it by now. You would be wrong. It just keeps getting better and better! Think of it as an interactive version of Dallas for the 21st century in cyberspace.

Second Life is proving itself to be an irresistible temptation for closet types of all persuasions. From thieves and cheaters to general losers and misfits across the board, people in Second Life are misbehaving in more and more entertaining ways. Bad for their personal lives, good for our entertainment.

Don’t get me wrong: I think having gay dungeon secks is great for gay people who are not cheating on their straight wives. Cheating is just lame. Especially pseudo-cheating while unemployed.

I just love where all our powerful technology has gotten us- some of us, anyway: Having gay bondage sex dressed up in leathers with a ball gag getting fucked in the ass by a big ole hairy bear in Second Life whilst lying in bed next to an enraged and disgusted wife. Lolz.

Because Apple sucks.

That’s all I can gather.

And here I thought that Apple was a forward-thinking, modern 21st century company with their fingers on the pulse of pop culture and whatnot.

Apparently the great company we know and love has been hijacked by right-wing extremists, and this is just the newest of it’s attacks on truth, justice, and the American way.

Read the article here.

As we move into 2009, hopes high and our eyes on the horizon for the next greatest thing, one might ask oneself the question: “What is the greatest thing the iPhone can do for humanity?”

This question has been debated by theologians and philosophers, and it looks like this year we are one step closer to bettering the lives of people everywhere with the greatest app so far this year:

Wobble Boobs and Booty on Your iPhone!

Don’t believe me? Watch the video:

So what do you think? Is this the best thing ever, or what?

I love YouTube. I found this Mannequin Gossip: Part 7 - Holiday Preparation video by Matt Brandstein there today. It has some very memorable quotes:

“I swear, if you take even one chalupa, I’ll cut your balls off.”

“Santa has a very special lesson he wants to personally teach to a naughty girl like you.”

“I can’t do this. The whole getting fucked by Santa talk is grossing me out.”

LOL

This one, Mannequin Gossip: Part 4 - Idle Worship is hilarious too.

“Unless you change your mind, I am going to hurt myself with the cuticle scissors that are in my pocketbook. I am going to gash myself with them right here in the middle of this goddamn shopping mall.”

“I am going to bleed on you.”

I don’t know what it is about mannequins saying fucked-up stuff to each other in robotic voices that amuses me so much, but I think Matt Brandstein might be onto something.

There are some more videos on his channel here.